This is my diary.. of my days in Dubai .. the 264 days in 2013 that completely altered the course of my life..
It has taken me a year to be able to look at it again, to go through those moments again.
To my family and my friends, this is what you helped me through.
Thanks.
Dec 19th, 2012
Note@ Mumbai
Today I packed n sent my stuff to
Kerala... felt strange this time around.. because I was sending my stuff away
and not taking them with me .. just sending it away ...
Each step is getting me closer to
going away
Closer to going away .. such a
paradox in one sentence..
Will be carrying dad with me
though.
Dec
31st, 2012
Note@
Mumbai
Done with meeting friends.. done
with goodbyes.. can’t wait for the new year to start :)
It's a good good feeling .
Thank u dad
Thank u god
Day 5
Choked
I
can't even begin to express what I feel like here.. mom n shammu are trying to
make me feel comfortable.. it's sweet :)
Day 6
It’s a start again
I shouldn't say I am tired of it.. I knew what I was getting
into.. but yes.. I will have to be patient.. about all this .. sharing the flat
with many more.. sharing bathrooms.. this whole drill.. life will be good :)
... need to keep having that faith
Day 10
Realisation hurts
I was living in such luxury while my mom n sis were in such terrible
conditions... need to do something soon..
Day 27
Living
the new, missing the old
Getting along with the life here
.. the relationships. . The habits.. the way
Cant wait to get started .. can't
wait to make some money :) ..
Miss my friends... vaishu deo
shraddha varun abhi rapti seeteez miku costi shruti... think about these often
And miss so many others who though
I would not spend much time with .. made that lil diff by being there
Day
33
Desert
Rains
A pleasant and rainy day .. feels
lovely .. had beenchima over for lunch .. surprise time it was ..good fun
:)
The thing is when she asked me how
I am .. I burst out and then controlled ..
I fear I am being too calm on the
surface else I'll explode with the frustration I have inside of me
It is better to be calm.
We went to Dubai mall yesterday to
see the light and sound show.. was awesome! Seeing all those lovely cafes there
I couldn't wait to go inside. Soon ... I'll start earning soon and then we'll
have fun..
:)
Can't wait to start.
Day
41
Nothing
special
You'd wonder what is so special
about this day.. nothing actually... just that I have become used to this city
now..
Got my FnF from CK .. so in a
sense I am done with them now.
Feel friendless .. at least none
nearby ..
Need to make my own circles...
need to read and write more.. going numb in my head ..
Need to get a job soon ..
That will solve it all .. only
that will solve it
Day 79
What should I call this day.. the
day I have waited to hear from RnB ..the day I felt no connect with the world..
the day I didn’t cook or clean or work or search or read.. nothing.
Or just another number to the days I've been waiting for my life to start again
Or just another number to the days I've been waiting for my life to start again
One of those days that you just
want to say goodnight to as soon as possible.
I am going numb... and I am so
grateful to Rapti for the work she has given me. Thank god for small things
Day
81
The
Day
Today the three of us were
together after almost five years. ..it went on as normal. I thought of him now
and then.. n remembered him at that moment.
Miss him.. more than yesterday ..
less than tomorrow.
Will always love him
But what's bothering me more is
that no one remembered.
Is this all its worth.. this life..
that a little more than a decade of your death.. people you called your own won’t
even remember your existence?
Day
96
Before
Shammu’s bday
Just 4 days to go for shammus birthday
and I feel a little bad for her..
She isn’t happy and there is
nothing I can do about it..nothing. This isn’t where she expected to be at
this age. She thought she'd be settled both personally and professionally … and
happy. And none has happened .. I feel responsible. . At least for her
marriage not happening. . Its as though the focus was always on me and
somewhere she got left behind. I don’t know. Things could not have been
possible either.. yet.. something went wrong somewhere
And worse still.. I didn’t plan on
being jobless till now. It has taken too long.. and that is also
contributing to the fact that I cant give her a lovely bday.. or a bday gift..
nothing ...
Feel bad.. this wasn’t the way
this was supposed to happen. Then again... have faith in god.. he has bigger
plans.. and they are always better :)
Love him.
God bless.. I really hope the tide
turns in my favour and I can do something about all this
Day
100
A
century
It's 100 days since I came here ..
n I can't believe that it's not quite as pr plan ;)
Anyway... was at a diff low yesterday..
it'll eventually work out .. god bless.
Have some plans... lets see
Day
102
The
day after the birthday
It didn’t go quite that bad
actually... :) .. a midnight cake cutting scene at the beach with cousins to
surprise her.. and then thai food for lunch .. not bad I would say.. anyway. .
The least I could do with whatever I had..and very little money. .
Happy bday shammu
Day
111
Restless
It's been almost four months since
I came here .. and nothing has worked out as yet... I dont even know what to
expect now. . I am praying. . N staying calm.. need to work out I guess to keep
my mind busy ... and read a novel. . Not let myself get into a boring routine
... not let myself stare into space. .. I need to stay alert.. like I am
preparing for the big interview.
I need to find a purpose... need
to keep myself sane
Its one in the night and I cant
sleep
And my mind is asking me why do I need to rest!!
Day
113
A new
beginning?
On the bus to abu dhabi to attend
my first interview after landing here .. is this a new beginning? Don’t know
.. no idea.
The role seems like a really big
deal.. all that they seem to want of me is all I've done.. manage a very large
team. Change territories... plan and strategise.. market shares .. btl
activities.. coordinate with vendors.. blah blah
They didn’t make a big deal of it in India. . Here they seem to. And I am going to meet them now..
Don’t know if I'll live upto their
expectations. Let's see.
Dad, stay with me. Do whatever is
the best for me. Love u. Always . Muah
Day
115
Waiting
Blah Blah Blah
Day
118
And
the wait is on..
.. doesn't the title say it all...
What can I say but that it's now
beginning to get frustrating...
God bless.. I shouldn't lose faith
Dad.. please show up..
Day
120
Sane
I must stay sane... very important
that I do it myself. Whatever it takes.. I need to keep my sanity n
my faith intact... this isnt easy ... and definitely not when I am alone in
this.. mom n shammu are there with me. But it's not the same as
having someone by my side. .. someone who is mine and mine alone...
I am tired.
Isn’t it time you showed up..
Don’t take so long... what if I
stop waiting. ... don’t make me give up.. I won't... but don't push me to.
Day
124
Wait
a little longer
Didn't get through .. so what do I
do.. pine away? .. nay.. I wont wallow in self pity..I am made of stronger
stuff :)
Hold on remya.. the best come to
those who wait :)
Muah
Day
113
That
one moment…
Somewhere in this whole waiting period
I think I am waiting for a moment of epiphany. . That one moment when I will
have the grand realisation that all this makes sense.. when all the pieces magically
fit together!! And somewhere I will get my answers. I was supposed to have an
awesome life.. but now I am staring at a blank wall.. wondering what I am doing
here... why aren’t things falling in place .. why am I not getting that dream
call..
It's like I am sitting around
waiting for life to happen... and you might scream out to me like some awesome
speech preaching ads on tv about how my life is my life and I have but to reclaim
it!
But, when reality hits you and you
cannot do ANYTHING but wait for that moment, then what do u do..
You look at the clock .. and watch
each second go by ... you arent losing your sanity or anything ... you are just
being real...
Waiting isn't a grand thing.. it
is the most painful, mind numbing, confidence lowering, patience testing period
that one can go through! It is the highlight of uncertainty. .. and there is
nothing you can do.. but sit back and watch and watch and keep watching..
waiting like in a large room.. praying that it is your number that is called
next.
Day 151
Another ..
.. And another month comes to
an end.
Day 161
And I
stay like this.. wide awake ... for hours...with no clue of how tomorrow will
be and will it be any different from today.. will it? I so badly want a change
from this and I have no idea what to do
Day 171
Tightrope
.. this phase is literally like
walking on a tightrope.. I am always on guard.. because I refuse to let Life
break me.. and trust me, it is doing its level best in giving me nothing but a
small rope to walk on.. or fall down. As far as I see, I left a lovely though
incomplete world. and I leapt for the awesome paradise that I thought was
within arm’s reach..
I misread it.. it wasnt that
close.. but Life threw me a rope.. and I am holding on to it.. and it is not
like there aren’t pretty sights to see.. there are lovely falls and pretty
birds around me.. I get to witness the warmth of the sun and the beauty of the
stars.. but I am on a tightrope.. and I cannot rest.. I am always alert...
And I will be.. for that paradise
that I leapt for isn’t far.. I can still see it.. and I will reach it.
I’ve walked this far.. and now it
is just a little more.
Day 193
Another one of those nights
.. It’s another night. . Another
one of those long nights were sleep refuses to walk in
And I stare into the darkness
thinking of all these at the same time
I didn't expect it to take so
long. Tomorrow I'll be meeting an uncle .. he's another deo in my life.. he
knows exactly what question will baffle me..
I want a better life.. a simple life with the basic luxuries of an independent house..a kitchen to myself.. tv and proper plumbing!! Gosh! Is that too much?!
And what is this thing between me n vijay... was it always brewing all along?
This business with sriram... I need to write down how I see my career progress.. what I really want.. what really matters to me
Plz god.. make something work..
make everything fall in place please.. Love you.. I know you
know that..
Stay with me and sort this mess
out. . It is not in my hands anymore
Day 197
Attempting to write
“…Suffocated by the images
flashin in her head..”
“…And
she gulped all this in
As a
little tear escaped her eye”
… I wonder if I’ll ever be able to
write again
Day
203
Crashing
There
is always that one moment when it all comes crashing down. Your current state
of helplessness .. your inability to do anything about your life.. your fear of
this period not ending at all.. your doubts in your decision. And you catch yourself
sitting in silence and staring at your phone.. waiting for that one call from
some recruiter.. and it hits you how pathetic a state you are in. And how
lonely this struggle can be..
And
all you can do is just let out those choked tears and cry for a sec or two
Day 212
What a difference time can make
Crazy crazy turn life has taken!!
What started off as harmless chatting has gradually become a whole new
ballgame. A companion.. a friend.. a confidante.. a listener
vijay.. vijayakrishnan nair.
The struggle has suddenly become less
tough
Day 212
Seven months and counting
When I was sitting in silence.. I
just pondered.. over the changes in my life in the last few weeks..
Other than the fact that I found
an amazing companion, everything else is still the same. No job.. no leads or
calls.. the ones I went for aren’t working out either.. theres no money.. my pf
hasn’t been processed.. I am not going to kerala for a break.. and the four
walls are driving me mad.
Yet everything has changed..
All because I have someone to
share it with. Someone who wants to be with me through this.
It is a feeling I don’t remember.
Day 232
I am still without a job.
232 days without a job.. and 212 days
since I started hunting. .. seven months ... seven long months.. days of staring
at my computer screen or the walls.. and nights where I couldn’t sleep dreading
the days that will follow...
Am I going mad.. I soon will..
This is too much.. unbelievably too much.. What am I doing wrong.. what the
hell am I doing wrong.. plz god.. stop testing me.. plz make something happen..
please...
It is a relief that you are there.
.. but I can’t let my focus go off this, right vijay? I haven’t.. yet..with you
in my life I have forgotten the agony that I was going through.. and that agony
was my fuel.
How do I keep things with you the
way it is and also find the pain to push myself...
Day 226
Got
my pf.
Relieved.
Day 231
Breaking point
Today I actually came to a point
of breaking down .. began seriously considering what my friends are telling me..
about setting a deadline for being here. Till now it didn’t make sense because here
I atleast had my family. I have friends in India but no one for whom I am the priority.
But now I suddenly do..
Anyway.. the point being today I
actually broke down .. decided enough is enough.. and I have to give myself a
deadline.. Did too.. I decided I would search ... look for a job in Dubai for
another two months and then I'd go to India. I have to be employed before my
bday .. here or in India.. no two ways about it. I had finally made up my
mind.. that if nothing works out I'll move to chennai and then I'll figure out
something.
I almost told deo about this.. I
called up vijay and cried that I have had enough and can’t stand a minute more
of waiting
And then I get a call from viva
entertainment that I have been shortlisted for the final interview.
I have to crack this.
Then again.. I am leaving it to
god. Whatever he says.. however he wants it. All is his wish. He knows
the game plan better than I do. And I have faith in him. Whatever life
has in store for me I shall face it.
Dad.. I really want you to get
involved. Please sort this out for me.
Day
232
Why haven’t they called? it went
well..
Day
233, midnight
Impulses
I can’t even begin to contain my
excitement!! Hehe..what a brilliant day today was! Woke up in the morning after
a terrible night of breaking down.. and in one moment decided to make it for
gathu’s wedding and stay in my house and then go to cochin meet vijay and then
head to chennai and be with deo and shraddha!!!
Please god!! Keep this on. Thank u
sooo much. And in between all this if I get that job then seriously muah to you!!!
Absolutely loving this.
Can’t sleep. In the flight now.
Will reach cochin in an hr. and then head straight to the wedding. I really
hope I make it.
And I really wish its vijay who is
picking me up at the airport.
Love u god. Love u dad.
Thanks for making this happen.
Day
235
Gathu’s
wedding
Totally worth it. Absolutely no
words to describe how happy I feel!! Hehe
The wedding. The warm welcome..
meeting everyone.. evening ragging session.. chatting with shammu till the
middle of the night in our balcony.. sleeping in our house.. running around for
errands.. the beauty of palakkad.. late night chat with shammu and mom..
everything..
This is the break I sooo badly
needed. :)
Day 251
Today I got the offer from
vodafone.
And today I got the offer from
viva entertainment.
So it is set then… Cochin it is :)
Life is finally falling in place.
God bless.
Thanks Dad
Day
264
End
of a sabbatical
Couldn’t come up with a better
title.
Anyway. Sitting at the airport
waiting to board the flight to Cochin ... said my goodbyes to dubai and the
life that amma, shammu n I had.. some time that was.. some really good times..
:) tough time for me mentally. . Yet when everything has fallen into place I
don’t really see an issue now
Always had faith in God's plans..
still do. He is guiding me and I better let him plan.. his plans are eventually
awesome :)
Will miss mom and shammu. Can’t
wait to be with vijay.
Happy.
Finally.
