What if..

I thought I’d helped someone out ..

But I have this strange feeling that I’ve done more harm than good!

Would it have been better if they’d been left to fend for themselves? Would they have actually got out of the mess much cleaner if I hadn’t pitched in to straighten it for them? Have I really made them happier … or unknowingly increased their misery by stretching time? Would they have been better off just leaving the whole thing and heading out on their own.. would they have finally been able to write their destiny than have it written for them? .. I dunno..

And I cant even say that time will tell. Because the course has already been altered

.. and I will never know the end of the sentence, ‘What if…’

the only one ..

We proudly tag our name to a lot of relations/associations... we call ourselves sisters, cousins, daughter, nieces, aunt, friends, colleagues, .. so on ..

Yet to all those we tag it with, somehow in all of these, .. we actually are 'just another'

..just another cousin, just another niece, just another aunt, just another friend, just another colleague

and then u see that it's only to a very few .. that we are 'the only one'
.. the one and only sis
.. the one and only daughter(s)
.. the one and only closest friend

.. the one and only soulmate..

it's funny how often we forget.. that only these matter

falling slowly..

there comes a time
when u want to write ..
but dont want those words to be read..
by anyone..

u just want those words to fly out of the window..
into the universe..
fly through that small hole in time..

so that years later
on a silent evening,
when u are sipping ur coffee
and the soft evening breeze is brushing against ur face ..

these words will fly in then..
and u'd read them again and smile..
smile at the yesterday-you
smile because it's all over now..
n smile because u wish u could peep thru that hole and tell her
to just wait.. this is what is in store for u..

so i send out these words today.. so that i may smile tomorrow..

m falling..

and i am scared

very scared.

home...

Am shifting again.. same town .. better flat..so spent most of last night wondering how i'd want to decorate my room this time.. the colours.. the layout.. how best can i fit everything .. do i want plants in the balcony.. will i be around to take care of them.. maybe a money plant would be fun :).. do i want to keep a pet.. too much! .. what about the walls.. paint something?... maybe some frames would be fun.. fav pics on the wall.. my books.. how will i keep them.. maybe make a reading corner or something .. will need a workstation too .. need a little quiet space too.. some space for my carrom.. and maybe some other stuff.. (just in case u r wondering ...m still planning the layout of my room.. not an entire bungalow!)

spent a lot of time thinking all this.. rearranging furniture in my head.. colour coordinating.. planning things to get.. places to get them from..

... this is my home .. not own as yet.. still mine..

and then i realised ... i've come to that point in my life.. where my home isnt where my family is or where i was born or where i spent most of my life..

My home..my abode.. is where ever i go

wherever i choose i shall stop to stay

Where i set my bags down

.. that is where i belong

in everyone of us lies a 'supertramp' .. who wants to chase that one dream that it knows is its destiny.. the meaning of its life..

yet we chose to follow paths that are set for us.. convincing ourselves that what we feel is silly .. and what we now think is right.. this is what we should do..

and then at some point .. when we are by ourself.. and we look inside.. we see that sad 'us' looking back.. asking just one question.. why didnt u give me a chance.. why didnt u have a little faith in me.

today i cry.. for that 'supertramp' in me .. that i chose to kill.

The visions fade beyond recognition,
The feelings are beyond my touch;
The voices are all inaudible,
Of the words that meant so much.

The wistful memories of those good old days,
That grows dimmer with each of life's turn,
The memories that hold a strong bond,
To a past, to which I'll never return.

The visions and voices of a person,
I trusted to never leave me battered;
And it was that implicit faith of mine,
That was ruefully shattered.

drowning..

Until yesterday, I was riding on the crest of waves,
The coral studded tiara, crowned my head;
But now the sea rants and raves,
And the crown's buried deep in the seabed.

For now Iam drowning, Iam drowning.

Till yesterday the winds barely brushed my face,
And lifted me up to a new zenith;
But now they've blown against me,
Taking away from me my protective sheath.

For now Iam drowning, Iam drowning.

And I find myself in the thick, dark sea,
The spirits of the dark blurring my sight;
With the faces of the dark out to lunge at me,
I seem to be losing the will to fight.

For now Iam drowning, Iam drowning.

For now Iam drowning, Iam drowning,
Being submerged into the sea, all shattered and torn;
For now Iam drowning, Iam drowning,
By forces unseen, unknown.

inside..

The cold eyes mesmerize me again,
And draws me to it like never before,
Callous forces compell me to restrain
But I go, for its time I get to the core.

And I find myself soaring in a strange world
Misty visions surround me,
Dead voices, buried tears are hurled at me,
And a broken wing falls at my feet.

I stare at the broken wing
And ponder who drew that fatal arrow,
My question stills the dead voices
But the drops continue to flow.

Caged visions are dancing around me
The music has an eerie feel
The beats are getting faster, the cries louder
And me head begins to reel

All strength and will evades me
I turn back to run, but fear comes in my way
Chains from the cages suddenly bind me
But I scream, "I cannot stay"

I force myself out, tearing the chains,
crawling to the last ray of light,
And outside I find myself looking at the mirror
And a cold eyed stranger meets my sight.

unfinished...

I read a book about a young mind that went out into the wild, not in the pursuit of some great travel but instead to reach out within himself.. to unravel the real, pure him.. a spiritual journey that took him to the extreme.. and left him there.

To many it may seem frivolous to wander out like that, leave everything behind, just in the search of oneself..but to me .. that is probably one of the bravest thing to do..and one of the simplest. Yet we steer away from it.. every moment of the day when we are faced with a question of what we really want, we steer away ..towards what we should be. Or like many of us - trying to find that balance between what we should be and what we want to..

Today I wonder if there is a balance at all .. if there really is that fine line that we can tread… step on to the side we are accustomed to whenever we want to … whenever we seek that companionship that our nature has made us unbearable to live without.. that fear of loneliness that has driven us to cultivate and nurture around us circles and circles of association both biological and otherwise… and the other side.. that side that is us and only us.. the real core.. the real us.. the real us that we are (probably) scared to find because we don’t know if we’d ever be able to get back from there. Or we know and hence don’t want to go.

Many a person may have come to that point of choice.. the famed crossroads between what we really want and what we should and very few are the lucky ones to find them both on the same path.. as for me.. my crossroads lead to what I know I will find therein.. and the other.. what I feel I should go for.. just to seek.. just to search.. just to peep into that brink .. and see what is beyond.. to see what the real me is..

Will I make a choice.. I don’t know.. as of now, I am glad that at least both the roads are in the line of my vision..

..it’s just that sometimes when you close a book… the chapter isn’t over as yet.



mornings :)

You wake up in the morning.. with no agenda.. no plans for the day.. the whole day just to yourself.. no office to go to.. no trek to set out on.. no little annoying errands to wrap up.. the whole day spread out there for you to do anything u want to … makes you want to laze around.. makes you want to run with time to make the most of the free day that you have.. love this feeling first thing in the morning!!

Ya.. I am happy today :)

Do you know how it feels..
when on a misty day the soft rain wakes you up ..
you can see it .. and yet you cant sense it..
and you know that nothing is going to be the same

Do you know that feeling..
when you've lost faith
and want to remain in this oblivion

Do you know that pain..
when you itch to write
but the words that flow out are misty

Do you know that feeling ..
of the serenity outside fighting the turmoil within you..

Do you know what that feeling is ..
when you've seen the end..
but you know it's not over.

Do you know, my love, do you know..

It's just cold and dark inside
and you are not with yourself anymore..

will I find you..
Do I even want to..

it's a different you when you are all by yourself..
happy getting your dreams on track
busy checking off things from your list
and just a phone call sets you back..

sometimes you feel like you are living
a little 'two' many lives

a start..

When i lose myself into my thoughts.. my little world.. where everything just suddenly makes sense.. I feel like the words in my head are like a river.. flowing slow at times.. fast now n then.. jumping around.. lazily gazing up at the sky.. taking along with it all that comes it's way.. slowly leaving behind some of those at a later point.

and sometimes when i cant understand the flow.. when there is too much struggle within me to make some sense.. i picture myself getting out of the river .. and walking next to it... seeing my thoughts from a distance.. wonder why they pick up some and leave some behind..

and these are the times i get my answers..

for these are the times that the river looks back at me.