My 264 day journey

This is my diary.. of my days in Dubai .. the 264 days in 2013 that completely altered the course of my life.. 

It has taken me a year to be able to look at it again, to go through those moments again.

To my family and my friends, this is what you helped me through. 

Thanks.  

Dec 19^th, 2012

Note@ Mumbai

Today I packed n sent my stuff to Kerala... felt strange this time around.. because I was sending my stuff away and not taking them with me .. just sending it away ...

Each step is getting me closer to going away

Closer to going away .. such a paradox in one sentence..

Will be carrying dad with me though.

Dec 31^st, 2012

Note@ Mumbai

Done with meeting friends.. done with goodbyes.. can’t wait for the new year to start :)

It's a good good feeling .

Thank u dad

Thank u god

Day 5

Choked

I can't even begin to express what I feel like here.. mom n shammu are trying to make me feel comfortable.. it's sweet :) 

Day 6

It’s a start again

I shouldn't say I am tired of it.. I knew what I was getting into.. but yes.. I will have to be patient.. about all this .. sharing the flat with many more.. sharing bathrooms.. this whole drill.. life will be good :) ... need to keep having that faith

Day 10

Realisation hurts

I was living in such luxury while my mom n sis were in such terrible conditions... need to do something soon..

Day 27

Living the new, missing the old

Getting along with the life here .. the relationships. . The habits.. the way

Cant wait to get started .. can't wait to make some money :) ..

Miss my friends... vaishu deo shraddha varun abhi rapti seeteez miku costi shruti... think about these often

And miss so many others who though I would not spend much time with .. made that lil diff by being there

Day 33

Desert Rains

A pleasant and rainy day .. feels lovely .. had beenchima over for lunch .. surprise time it was  ..good fun :)

The thing is when she asked me how I am .. I burst out and then controlled ..

I fear I am being too calm on the surface else I'll explode with the frustration I have inside of me

It is better to be calm.

We went to Dubai mall yesterday to see the light and sound show.. was awesome! Seeing all those lovely cafes there I couldn't wait to go inside. Soon ... I'll start earning soon and then we'll have fun..

:)

Can't wait to start.

Day 41  

Nothing special

You'd wonder what is so special about this day.. nothing actually... just that I have become used to this city now..

Got my FnF from CK .. so in a sense I am done with them now.

Feel friendless .. at least none nearby ..

Need to make my own circles... need to read and write more.. going numb in my head ..

Need to get a job soon ..

That will solve it all .. only that will solve it

Day 79

What should I call this day.. the day I have waited to hear from RnB ..the day I felt no connect with the world.. the day I didn’t cook or clean or work or search or read.. nothing.
Or just another number to the days I've been waiting for my life to start again

One of those days that you just want to say goodnight to as soon as possible. 

I am going numb... and I am so grateful to Rapti for the work she has given me. Thank god for small things

Day 81

The Day

Today the three of us were together after almost five years. ..it went on as normal. I thought of him now and then.. n remembered him at that moment. 

Miss him.. more than yesterday .. less than tomorrow. 

Will always love him

But what's bothering me more is that no one remembered.

Is this all its worth.. this life.. that a little more than a decade of your death.. people you called your own won’t even remember your existence?

Day 96

Before Shammu’s bday

Just 4 days to go for shammus birthday and I feel a little bad for her..

She isn’t happy and there is nothing I can  do about it..nothing. This isn’t where she expected to be at this age. She thought she'd be settled both personally and professionally … and happy. And none has happened .. I feel  responsible. . At least for her marriage not happening. . Its as though the focus was always on me and somewhere she got left behind. I don’t know. Things could not have been possible either.. yet.. something went wrong somewhere

And worse still.. I didn’t plan on being jobless till now.  It has taken too long.. and that is also contributing to the fact that I cant give her a lovely bday.. or a bday gift.. nothing ...

Feel bad.. this wasn’t the way this was supposed to happen. Then again... have faith in god.. he has bigger plans.. and they are always better :)

Love him.

God bless.. I really hope the tide turns in my favour and I can do something about all this

Day 100

A century

It's 100 days since I came here .. n I can't believe that it's not quite as pr plan ;)

Anyway... was at a diff low yesterday.. it'll eventually work out .. god bless.

Have some plans... lets see 

Day 102

The day after the birthday

It didn’t go quite that bad actually... :) .. a midnight cake cutting scene at the beach with cousins to surprise her.. and then thai food for lunch .. not bad I would say.. anyway. . The least I could do with whatever I had..and very little money. .

Happy bday shammu

Day 111

Restless

It's been almost four months since I came here .. and nothing has worked out as yet... I dont even know what to expect now. . I am praying. . N staying calm.. need to work out I guess to keep my mind busy ... and read a novel. . Not let myself get into a boring routine ... not let myself stare into space. .. I need to stay alert.. like I am preparing for the big interview.

I need to find a purpose... need to keep myself sane

Its one in the night and I cant sleep

And my mind is asking me why do I need to rest!!

Day 113

A new beginning?

On the bus to abu dhabi to attend my first interview after landing here .. is this a new beginning?  Don’t know .. no idea.

The role seems like a really big deal.. all that they seem to want of me is all I've done.. manage a very large team. Change territories... plan and strategise.. market shares .. btl activities.. coordinate with vendors.. blah blah

They didn’t make a big deal of it in India. . Here they seem to. And I am going to meet them now..

Don’t know if I'll live upto their expectations.  Let's see. 

Dad, stay with me. Do whatever is the best for me. Love u. Always . Muah

Day 115

Waiting

Blah Blah Blah

Day 118

And the wait is on..

.. doesn't the title say it all...

What can I say but that it's now beginning to get frustrating... 

God bless.. I shouldn't lose faith

Dad.. please show up..

Day 120

Sane

I must stay sane... very important that I do it myself.   Whatever it takes.. I need to keep my sanity n my faith intact... this isnt easy ... and definitely not when I am alone in this.. mom n shammu are there with me.   But it's not the same as having someone by my side. .. someone who is mine and mine alone...

I am tired.

Isn’t it time you showed up..

Don’t take so long... what if I stop waiting. ... don’t make me give up.. I won't... but don't push me to.

Day 124

Wait a little longer

Didn't get through .. so what do I do.. pine away? .. nay.. I wont wallow in self pity..I am made of stronger stuff :)

Hold on remya.. the best come to those who wait :)

Muah

Day 113

That one moment…

Somewhere in this whole waiting period I think I am waiting for a moment of epiphany. . That one moment when I will have the grand realisation that all this makes sense.. when all the pieces magically fit together!! And somewhere I will get my answers. I was supposed to have an awesome life.. but now I am staring at a blank wall.. wondering what I am doing here... why aren’t things falling in place .. why am I not getting that dream call..

It's like I am sitting around waiting for life to happen... and you might scream out to me like some awesome speech preaching ads on tv about how my life is my life and I have but to reclaim it!

But, when reality hits you and you cannot do ANYTHING but wait for that moment, then what do u do..

You look at the clock .. and watch each second go by ... you arent losing your sanity or anything ... you are just being real...

Waiting isn't a grand thing.. it is the most painful, mind numbing, confidence lowering, patience testing period that one can go through! It is the highlight of uncertainty. .. and there is nothing you can do.. but sit back and watch and watch and keep watching.. waiting like in a large room.. praying that it is your number that is called next. 

Day 151

Another ..

.. And another month comes to an end.

Day 161

And I stay like this.. wide awake ... for hours...with no clue of how tomorrow will be and will it be any different from today.. will it? I so badly want a change from this and I have no idea what to do

Day 171

Tightrope

.. this phase is literally like walking on a tightrope.. I am always on guard.. because I refuse to let Life break me.. and trust me, it is doing its level best in giving me nothing but a small rope to walk on.. or fall down. As far as I see, I left a lovely though incomplete world. and I leapt for the awesome paradise that I thought was within arm’s reach..

I misread it.. it wasnt that close.. but Life threw me a rope.. and I am holding on to it.. and it is not like there aren’t pretty sights to see.. there are lovely falls and pretty birds around me.. I get to witness the warmth of the sun and the beauty of the stars.. but I am on a tightrope.. and I cannot rest.. I am always alert...

And I will be.. for that paradise that I leapt for isn’t far.. I can still see it.. and I will reach it.

I’ve walked this far.. and now it is just a little more.

Day 193

Another one of those nights

.. It’s another night. . Another one of those long nights were sleep refuses to walk in

And I stare into the darkness thinking of all these at the same time

I didn't expect it to take so long. Tomorrow I'll be meeting an uncle .. he's another deo in my life.. he knows exactly what question will baffle me..

I want a better life.. a simple life with the basic luxuries of an independent house..a kitchen to myself.. tv and proper plumbing!! Gosh! Is that too much?!

And what is this thing between me n vijay... was it always brewing all along?

This business with sriram... I need to write down how I see my career progress.. what I really want.. what really matters to me

Plz god.. make something work.. make everything fall in place please.. Love you.. I know you know that..

Stay with me and sort this mess out. . It is not in my hands anymore

Day 197

Attempting to write

“…Suffocated by the images flashin in her head..”

“…And she gulped all this in

As a little tear escaped her eye”

… I wonder if I’ll ever be able to write again

Day 203

Crashing

There is always that one moment when it all comes crashing down. Your current state of helplessness .. your inability to do anything about your life.. your fear of this period not ending at all.. your doubts in your decision. And you catch yourself sitting in silence and staring at your phone.. waiting for that one call from some recruiter.. and it hits you how pathetic a state you are in. And how lonely this struggle can be..

And all you can do is just let out those choked tears and cry for a sec or two

Day 212

What a difference time can make

Crazy crazy turn life has taken!! What started off as harmless chatting has gradually become a whole new ballgame. A companion.. a friend.. a confidante.. a listener

vijay.. vijayakrishnan nair.

The struggle has suddenly become less tough

Day 212

Seven months and counting

When I was sitting in silence.. I just pondered.. over the changes in my life in the last few weeks..

Other than the fact that I found an amazing companion, everything else is still the same. No job.. no leads or calls.. the ones I went for aren’t working out either.. theres no money.. my pf hasn’t been processed.. I am not going to kerala for a break.. and the four walls are driving me mad.

Yet everything has changed..

All because I have someone to share it with. Someone who wants to be with me through this.

It is a feeling I don’t remember.

Day 232

I am still without a job.

232 days without a job.. and 212 days since I started hunting. .. seven months ... seven long months.. days of staring at my computer screen or the walls.. and nights where I couldn’t sleep dreading the days that will follow...

Am I going mad.. I soon will.. This is too much.. unbelievably too much.. What am I doing wrong.. what the hell am I doing wrong.. plz god.. stop testing me.. plz make something happen.. please...

It is a relief that you are there. .. but I can’t let my focus go off this, right vijay? I haven’t.. yet..with you in my life I have forgotten the agony that I was going through.. and that agony was my fuel.

How do I keep things with you the way it is and also find the pain to push myself...

Day 226

Got my pf.

Relieved.

Day 231

Breaking point

Today I actually came to a point of breaking down .. began seriously considering what my friends are telling me.. about setting a deadline for being here. Till now it didn’t make sense because here I atleast had my family. I have friends in India but no one for whom I am the priority. But now I suddenly do..

Anyway.. the point being today I actually broke down .. decided enough is enough.. and I have to give myself a deadline.. Did too.. I decided I would search ... look for a job in Dubai for another two months and then I'd go to India. I have to be employed before my bday .. here or in India.. no two ways about it. I had finally made up my mind.. that if nothing works out I'll move to chennai and then I'll figure out something.

I almost told deo about this.. I called up vijay and cried that I have had enough and can’t stand a minute more of waiting

And then I get a call from viva entertainment that I have been shortlisted for the final interview.

I have to crack this.

Then again.. I am leaving it to god. Whatever he says.. however he wants it. All is his wish.  He knows the game plan better than I do.  And I have faith in him. Whatever life has in store for me I shall face it.

Dad.. I really want you to get involved.  Please sort this out for me.

Day 232

Why haven’t they called? it went well..

Day 233, midnight

Impulses

I can’t even begin to contain my excitement!! Hehe..what a brilliant day today was! Woke up in the morning after a terrible night of breaking down.. and in one moment decided to make it for gathu’s wedding and stay in my house and then go to cochin meet vijay and then head to chennai and be with deo and shraddha!!!

Please god!! Keep this on. Thank u sooo much. And in between all this if I get that job then seriously muah to you!!! Absolutely loving this.

Can’t sleep. In the flight now. Will reach cochin in an hr. and then head straight to the wedding. I really hope I make it.

And I really wish its vijay who is picking me up at the airport.

Love u god. Love u dad.  Thanks for making this happen.

Day 235

Gathu’s wedding

Totally worth it. Absolutely no words to describe how happy I feel!! Hehe

The wedding.  The warm welcome.. meeting everyone.. evening ragging session.. chatting with shammu till the middle of the night in our balcony.. sleeping in our house.. running around for errands.. the beauty of palakkad.. late night chat with shammu and mom.. everything..

This is the break I sooo badly needed. :) 

Day 251

Today I got the offer from vodafone. 

And today I got the offer from viva entertainment.

So it is set then… Cochin it is :)

Life is finally falling in place.

God bless. 

Thanks Dad

Day 264

End of a sabbatical

Couldn’t come up with a better title.

Anyway. Sitting at the airport waiting to board the flight to Cochin ... said my goodbyes to dubai and the life that amma, shammu n I had.. some time that was.. some really good times.. :) tough time for me mentally. . Yet when everything has fallen into place I don’t really see an issue now

Always had faith in God's plans.. still do. He is guiding me and I better let him plan.. his plans are eventually awesome :)

Will miss mom and shammu. Can’t wait to be with vijay.

Happy.

Finally.